Whatever your own experiences have been, there has been this trend lately that no one can have a meaningful relationship....especially if you identify with as a straight trans female. Now, of course, many people who say this may have had a rough or tragic experience but it does not necessarily mean it is true. On the other hand I know first hand that there are many people who will only date us because they see us as a fetish and not as a real person with flesh and blood and feelings. I've lost count with how many men I dated who wanted to sleep with me on the first date....women too.
However, you have to look beyond that and realize there are wonderful people who will date you for just you and not because of some type of fetish that they see in you. I have dated some very wonderful men who saw me for the girl I am. I had to look beyond the stereotypical confinds that men want only one thing in order to see the man who is bright, intelligent, funny, and have many wonderful attributes to offer. If we fall into the stereotype trap that all men are scum then we are just as bad as the stereotype that all trans are just freaks and perverts.
Here are some advice I want to give:
1. Tell the man (or woman) you are dating that you are trans before you go out with them. To me, not only is this fair for the man to know but it also safe. Many girls think "yeah but do you always tell your dates about a birth defect?" Well, truthfully, Gender and Sexuality is a little more complicated than a cleft palette. Getting this out of the way is much easier for both you and your date. I would even recommend this for post ops. You can live in stealth all you want but when it comes to dating, your past will be discovered eventually. Better to work it out with him now than months or years down the road if you fall in love.
2. Go to a public place. This is good advice whether you are trans or cis gendered. The first date with someone you do not know real well should always be in public.
3. Stay away from sex on the first date. I never had a date that worked where sex on the first date occurred. I believe you should discover each others assets and personalities and wants and desires before going right to the bedroom.
4. No matter how badly one date goes, remember, not everyone is like that!
Sigh.... Does anyone ever heed the words of those who have walked the path before them or must the same mistakes be made over and over again?
ReplyDeleteAnnah, your advice may be sound for one who is pre-op, particularly if one is pre-op and intent upon having a physical relationship with a man, but for one who is post up it is utterly and totally wrong! To put "that" out there are the defining factor of your being? Come on now! If you are going to lead a flock lets get with what is and is not "truth"
If a man does not know and he approaches you he is approaching a woman he is interested in, is he not? So is he right or wrong? Are you a woman or are you a man? And yes, it boils down that simply. If you're a woman then that past of your past is no more his business than would be a past abortion or the size and abilities of past lovers! It's called discretion, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with practicing it!
You are who you are right here and now! That is the person he is getting in the deal, just as you are getting the man that he is here and now. What went before in either of your lives may have shaped your personality but it is NOT who you are!
To shoot yourself in the foot just to prevent the possibly that it might happen in the future is foolish!
This is not to say that some men might be OK with your history but if you are putting it out even before you are a known entity then you have relegated yourself to meat for the chasers and trust me, that is NOT where you want to be!
Miz Know it all
ReplyDeleteI respectfully disagree with you. I believe if you are in a relationship with anyone (pre or post op) then one should tell them about their past if they wish to have a sexual relationship with them.
To hide one's sexuality and gender identification prior to your transition is a little more complicated than not disclosing your medical history to your date.
I agree with you annah, even though you are a woman, you SHOULD tell someone if you are trans or not, I mean, what if he is transphobic? that just turned from hot to not in ten seconds straight...
ReplyDeleteI personally am confused on how you go about in dating or getting married... not just as a transsexual, but also as a person in general. I do not know if this is just me being weird or what but I do not understand exactly how to even get on a date, let alone with someone you know and trust.
(I like the second picture... he is cute!!!)