From the Death of One brings about Life to another

One day I took a walk through a densely covered forest and during my walk I came across the remains of a deer and noticed various plant life and mushrooms growing from within it. It took me back to my classes of biology where life can be born through death. I had another experience of this phenomena on a more personal level last year.

As I transitioned, I was full of happiness and euphoria. However, there came a point in my transition where I collapsed on my bed and wept. It wasn't the process of transitioning or the wrong mix of Hormone Replacement Therapy or some bout of depression that overwhelmed me. Rather, it was the fact that I was mourning the death of myself. Let me explain.

For the last 34 years of my life I had presented male and naturally I was Rob. Rob had a wonderful life with many wonderful memories. His high school experiences were second to none, his social past was very active and his personality was as such where he only desired to help others. Rob also fathered three of the most wonderful and beautiful children you could ever meet.

With everything going for him, he had to transition. I had to transition. There was simply no question about it. While I presented as Rob, I was only confining my true self. Transitioning was simply an evolutionary step for me that required courage and faith.

During my transition I became more and more Annah. My inner self had began to envelope my outer self to the point where any vestiges of Rob was completely gone.It was during this time when I realized Rob was no more. The experiences I went through was the same as mourning the death of someone you were very familiar with.

I know there are some trans guys and girls who will think "when I transition I will say good riddance to my fake self" however, for me it was not that simple. I did not hate my life as Rob. I simply understood that my gender was incorrect. Living as Rob was like living a lie to myself and others but that isn't to say I hated my prior life.

So, I gathered pictures of Rob. I went back into my older facebook and downloaded every picture of Rob that I could find and I saved them in a very special folder.

From time to time, I browse through those photos and you can see them too in my transitional video (the blog prior to this). It is like a little memorial for me. To say goodbye to an old friend and a wonderful father and to greet the beautiful morning sun that comes after the night.