HRT: The wonderful steps to feminine enlightenment!!!

Today marks the 15th month of being on Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) for me. I decided to make a video based on my experiences on how HRT had effected my body during this time and I also wanted to place it here in this blog. The video will be at the end if you wanted to take a look at it.

I was given the OK for HRT earlier last year and I could not have been happier. I decided to make a "diary" of things that were changing in me based on the time I had taken HRT.

First Change:

The first and immediate change that occurred in my body was my mental well being. The sheer fact of knowing that estrogen was now coursing through my body while testosterone was slowly beginning to dwindle was a very peaceful and blissful state of affairs. While, I am sure estrogen had yet done anything worthwhile in my system with that very first shot, it was the mentality of knowing that I have biologically started my journey.

Second Change:

My Emotional state of affairs.  I noticed this within the first couple of weeks. When your body starts to deal with the introduction of estrogen as well as the loss of testosterone, you become very emotional. I had started to cry over any and all commercials that was sad or had love in it. It was a unique situation to cry over a Wal Mart commercial considering how much I dislike the company.

My doctor told me these emotional changes were normal and it is comparable to PMS considering I had the estrogen levels of a few women the day of my shot. After awhile, these symptoms had lessened but I still go through some bouts of crying shortly after my estrogen shot and right before it.

Third Change:

The third change I notice was my skin. My skin had become noticeably smoother around 6 to 8 weeks. Some girls will say they notice their skin becoming smoother around 1 week but I think that is actually tied to my first change...which is emotional awareness of yourself changing while there is no actual physical development yet occurring.

The smoothing of the skin was a wonderful change for me. Not only did it make me feel more feminine with the smooth skin and round features, but it also took years off my appearance. Before my transition, I looked to be around forty years old. My transitional video in two blogs prior to this will show you how older I looked. Testosterone made my skin stretched, wrinkly and just plain nasty. When the layer of fat was introduced to my body, I went from looking like i was 40 to looking like I was in my 20s. My co workers all think I am 25ish. I have no plans on changing their opinion on that! :P

Fourth Change:

The fourth change I began to notice was breast pain and itching. This took about 8 weeks for me to really notice it where it really began to hurt. I wont go into the medical details of my past but I had breasts before my transition but they were only A cup.

Since taken HRT, my breast tissue had grown and now my breasts are around C to D cup. Now, remember, Your mileage may vary (meaning every girl is different). Genetics, family history, medication, etc all has a role to play in your breast development. The general rule of thumb is to wait 2 years while on HRT to see what your full breast potential will be. I know some girls who jumped the gun and got Breast Augmentation a few months into their HRT because they thought they would never grow breasts. Sadly, they say their breasts are abnormal as their breasts continued to grow underneath and around the implants which gives their breasts a weird look.

Also, while we are on the topic of breasts....and this doesn't necessarily relate to HRT, but please...if you get Breast Augmentation, please get breasts that fit your body type. I've seen so many girls who got those BIG BOOBS put in and now they look ridiculous. They think it will help them "pass" or "blend" in easier but all it is doing is causing attention to themselves and it almost always get them clocked. A good Breast Augmentation plastic surgeon will tell  you what Breast Cup is best for your body. Please listen to them!

Things that HRT will not change (MtF):

1. HRT will not change any emotional disabilities you may have (MtF and FtM). HRT may help ease some mental discomforts and anxiety issues you have about yourself presenting in the wrong gender but HRT will not cure Bipolar, Manic Depression, and other symptoms.

Please continue to talk to your therapist if you exhibit these symptoms and please have a realistic approach to HRT and Mental Health.

2. HRT will not change your voice (MtF). No amount of HRT in the world will change your vocal chords. Your voice will change through practice, practice, practice!  This is what I did to change my voice:

a. Download a Spectogram. It's free and there's a lot of them if you have a PC. If you own a Mac, its very hard to find a free one. A Spectogram measures your voice in frequencies. A male voice is 70-150 mhz or so and a female is usually 175 to 256 mhz. My first step was to get the pitch that high and your program will help you get it there.

b. Buy a digital recorder. I got mine at Target for 15 dollars. By using a digital recorder, you can practice by hearing your voice and then making adjustments.

c. Practice your intonation and resonance. This is one of the most important steps for me because this is what gives your voice a feminine quality to it. This takes practice...well your whole voice will take practice. The best thing is to practice practice practice.

d. Avoid Falsetto. It's not good to sound like Mickey Mouse plus it damages your vocal cords.

When I did voice training, I used CandiFLA on youtube. She had some really good tutorials on her youtube and they really worked for me....plus she is free.

If you have money, then I would recommend Kathe Perez. She is a voice coach in Kansas City, MO and she can do personal face to face lessons or through the internet like skype. She is wonderful and you will get results. But she charges.

3. HRT will not change you! You are in full control of your destiny. While HRT will help develop you into the person who you always knew to be, HRT will not make you into a different person than you are now.

Here is my video:

From the Death of One brings about Life to another

One day I took a walk through a densely covered forest and during my walk I came across the remains of a deer and noticed various plant life and mushrooms growing from within it. It took me back to my classes of biology where life can be born through death. I had another experience of this phenomena on a more personal level last year.

As I transitioned, I was full of happiness and euphoria. However, there came a point in my transition where I collapsed on my bed and wept. It wasn't the process of transitioning or the wrong mix of Hormone Replacement Therapy or some bout of depression that overwhelmed me. Rather, it was the fact that I was mourning the death of myself. Let me explain.

For the last 34 years of my life I had presented male and naturally I was Rob. Rob had a wonderful life with many wonderful memories. His high school experiences were second to none, his social past was very active and his personality was as such where he only desired to help others. Rob also fathered three of the most wonderful and beautiful children you could ever meet.

With everything going for him, he had to transition. I had to transition. There was simply no question about it. While I presented as Rob, I was only confining my true self. Transitioning was simply an evolutionary step for me that required courage and faith.

During my transition I became more and more Annah. My inner self had began to envelope my outer self to the point where any vestiges of Rob was completely gone.It was during this time when I realized Rob was no more. The experiences I went through was the same as mourning the death of someone you were very familiar with.

I know there are some trans guys and girls who will think "when I transition I will say good riddance to my fake self" however, for me it was not that simple. I did not hate my life as Rob. I simply understood that my gender was incorrect. Living as Rob was like living a lie to myself and others but that isn't to say I hated my prior life.

So, I gathered pictures of Rob. I went back into my older facebook and downloaded every picture of Rob that I could find and I saved them in a very special folder.

From time to time, I browse through those photos and you can see them too in my transitional video (the blog prior to this). It is like a little memorial for me. To say goodbye to an old friend and a wonderful father and to greet the beautiful morning sun that comes after the night.

A Transitional Video

When I became curious about actually transitioning to female I would often go to various websites to look at other trans girls to see their progress. As I browsed more and more sites, I would become more and more depressed knowing "I will NEVER look like that!" In the end, I did myself a real disservice. I remember looking at these websites back in 1997. I waited another 15 years until I decided to transition!

Sometimes, we get too caught up on trying to convince ourselves that we will never pass (and I really don't like that word "pass" but that's for another blog) that we end up creating our own self dreaded prophecy of either having a very rocky transition or no transition at all!

You have to try to go beyond your own perceived self image and realize there is a wonderful person trying to get out. Mirrors are a horrible thing when you know you are presenting in the wrong gender and your mind can be an equally horrible thing if you keep on putting yourself down than you will never transition successfully like the other girls and guys out there.

I remember seeing a website shortly after I made the conscious decision to finally transition. I don't remember the web address and good lord, if I did I would never share it with you all! The website was a very long page of how awful her transition was and is. She talked about the misery, the pain, the loss, the hurt of transitioning. She "tried" to dispel the rumours that transitioning was a positive experience and made it sound like it can only be this gut wrenching "storming the beaches of Normandy with high causality" destination to cross genders.

The site was so bad I sat there in grief and shock. If I was not rooted in my foundation to transition, that website would have scared me away from being really me for another 15 years!! That poor website author was miserable when she presented male and she was miserable now she was presenting female. I am sure her horrible transition experience had other "co morbid factors" involved.

There is never a sugar coating to transition. I need to say that. Transitioning will present it's own challenges and possible heartaches but it is no different than any other life changing task you may take on in life. It has its ups and downs and its twists and turns. Sometimes transitioning is like walking on the beach with a lover and other times it is like tripping over that obscure twig as you run away from a zombie hockey wearing ax murderer! Other times transitioning can feel like a curse and other times it can feel like a blessing....like the heavens had parted and Goddess herself has touched your lips.

The process of transitioning and the method in which you do it is completely up to you and you are in control of it. As long as you are following the good graces of your therapist, there is no wrong way to transition. If you try to do it without any support whatsoever you may end up being another webpage author who writes a 24,000 worded essay of how horrible the transition is.

You can approach that mirror and say to yourself "I can do this! I deserve it! This is right for me!"

I recently made a video of my transition and I want to show it here to all of you. I made this video solely on the issue that I want to help girls and guys realize their true potential of transitioning to the gender you were meant to be. If I can do this as a 320 pound bearded man with XX chromosome disorder, anyone can do this if they have the conviction and heart for it!

Intolerance of the LGB spectrum as a Trans society

Over the course of a couple of months, I have noticed an uneasy and growing trend among the trans community in regards to Lesbians, Gays, and Bisexuals (primarily against Lesbians and Gays). The trend is that the trans community is becoming more intolerant of LGB.

I have heard phrases such as "they have thrown us under the bus", "they support us when they want something out of it", "I don't wanna be associated with Gays and Lesbians", etc.

Ironically, the VAST majority of those who state these comments are male to female transgender lesbians (if you are new to the transgender world, a Male to Female transgender Lesbian is a person who identifies themselves as female but was biologically born a male but is only sexually attracted to women). I find this ironic because the very definition of their status makes them a lesbian. But they are against Lesbians and Gays. If you can figure it out, please comment and let me know because I cannot figure out their logic.

Another trend I have noticed is that the female to male trans community is not making such a big deal out of the issue. Actually, transmen are probably the most accepting in our community when it comes to having to label a trans or various other topics that transwomen will lose their temper on.

In my opinion, the gay and lesbian communities have done such a wonderful job of getting their voices heard. They spent decades of blood, sweat, and tears to be recognized as a viable, normal, and equal member of society. In a sense, they have laid out a very nice road for us trans people when it comes to educating others. The last thing we should do is getting on our soap boxes and spouting out stereotypical rhetoric against them.

For the longest time, transpeople have lived in the closet. Many of us quietly make the transition and once they have transitioned they will go stealth. This is a choice every trans person will have to go through. If you go stealth, then that is wonderful. The problem lies in the issues where those who go stealth will look down upon those transpeople who decide not to go stealth and vice versa. I bring this up because many who are stealth do not want to be associated in the "LGBT" tree and that's fine. However, using reasons such as "I don't like gay and lesbians" or "gays and lesbians hate trans people" is not only unwarranted but it is not factual and is immature at best. When you group every gay and lesbian in this category then you are stereotyping. Once you stereotype gays and lesbians then you are no different than the people who stereotype trans people.

I have also made a very quick video response regarding this blog and I wanted to share it here with you all. The reason why I did both a video and a written blog was to show how important this subject is to me.

Transsexual Vs Transgender

The debate rages on and people are taking sides.

For some, the term of transgender or transsexual has become so heated that people are leaving trans friendly websites who simply has "transgender" or "transsexual" on their websites. Even if you (as a transgender) do not take a side on this issue, you are still affected if you belong to a website. Chances are you have seen the debate.

As related to one of my prior blog posts, I have discussed the issue of labeling. My stance is to call yourself whatever you identify with but do not impose your convictions of what is a proper label onto someone else. Basically, it all boils down to respect. Respect others if you disagree with their "label" and hope to be respected for your label in return.

When it comes to whatever I want to call it, I label myself as a transgender. It isn't just me picking this word because I had to choose something; I picked this to identify with myself because it made the most sense "to me."

Why do I call myself a transgender versus a transsexual?

In my opinion, the word "transsexual" in inherently flawed in it's very terminology. If you study into the meaning of the word "transsexual" then it imposes a meaning that one is sexually attracted to someone who crosses a gender identity. Likewise, homosexual imposes a meaning that one is sexually attracted to someone who shares the same sexual identity and heterosexual imposes a meaning that one is sexually attracted to someone of the opposite sexual identity.

When you look at the term in this manner then one who isn't familiar with "transsexual" would often assume we are transsexual because we are sexually attracted to someone who crosses a gender identity.

First of all, being trans does not mean anything about ones sexuality. Being trans has everything to do with how you view your gender identity. For example, you can be Male to Female and like women or you can be Female to Male and be sexually attracted to men or both men or women.

I choose the word "Transgender" because when you study the word itself, then it literally means "one who crosses a gender." This, to me, makes the most sense. This is why I chose to identify myself as transgender.

Another thing I have noticed about some who do not like the word "transgender" will often follow up with the comments that they do not want to be associated with "those cross dressers who dresses up as a fetish." They believe that many of the issues in which people do not accept us is because the cross dressers ruin it for everyone as the general population believes that we do this as a fetish.

I am sorry, but I hardly believe that changing one's label from transgender to transsexual or vice versa will change the populations' opinion in this matter. A name change or a name reinforcement does not change the opinions of a population that knows very little of our situations.

Education causes the change in the populations' opinion; labels do not.

An example of this is how some vilify the cross dressing community because of our lack of rights to use the gender aligned bathroom of our choice. Stressing one label over another is not going to change a population who may be against us using the bathroom that fits our gender identity. Education changes the people's perception of us. Not us arguing over what label is better than the other.

The bottom line is use whatever term you wish to describe yourself but don't impose your term on everyone who is trans because not everyone will agree with you and don't use excuses to attack another who uses another term than you because it's what the general population perceives us as.

HRT: To self medicate or not to self medicate

Within the Transgender Community, there is always discussions about the topic of self medicating oneself. Some sites allow discussions to be had openly on this subject while other subjects strictly forbid the discussion.

For those who are not transitioning or simply do not know what Self Medicating is, let me explain:

Self Medicating HRT is done when a transgender person takes Hormone Replacement Therapy on their own without a doctor's supervision and/or consent. In theory, when one takes the necessary steps to transition to another gender the following is usually adhered to (according to the standards of transgender care):

1. Counseling with an approved Psychologist or Psychiatrist.
2. If the Counselor finds you are ready (either mentally or physically or both), then your Doctor will ok the use of HRT. He or She will write a letter approving you to seek out these medical part of your journey.
               a. Hormone approval time is different for everyone and is different in various countries. Some              therapists require you to be in therapy for however long he or she finds you are ready. Some therapists even require you to live out the Real Life Experience first (living fulltime in your preferred gender).
                b.  Again, this is different depending on the country you reside in and their own established set of parameters for transgender care.
3. You seek out an Endocrinologist. Typically, you seek out an Endocrinologist who is sympathetic or understands the transgender processes. Some Endocrinologists will not place you under their care. Some Endocrinologists will. It all depends on the doctor.
4. The Endocrinologist will then do a series of blood work and tests to determine if you are a candidate for Hormone Replacement Therapy. The blood work is done primarily for two reasons: 1. To make sure you are healthy enough to do this and 2. To monitor your progress of the newly introduced hormones in your body.
5. While you see your Endocrinologist for ongoing lab tests, he or she will then make changes to your HRT or keep it the same depending on your results.
6. Real Life Experience (RLE) for typically one year at the minimum for SRS letters. Typically, in the United States, you are allowed HRT before doing the RLE. I know in some countries, they require you to do some time of RLE prior to HRT. RLE is extremely important because why you are utterly convinced you know you are the other gender, the RLE will make sure that your feelings are truly gender oriented. RLE is not as simple as it sounds.

Wearing makeup, skirt, and everything girly out in public can be a real challenge when you do it for the very first time. Many therapists highly recommend you to do this one a part time bases. I, however, went fulltime RLE right off the bat and it was during my first day of classes at Seminary. After the first 50 minutes of our orientation day, I ran into the bathroom and threw up. The social changes you go through when you do your RLE on the first day can be very intense. RLE is a therapist's boot camp way of knowing if you are really serious about this and trust me, if you do RLE and you ease into it, then you are serious.
7. Recommendation for Sexual Reassignment Surgery (SRS or GRS) (or Feminine Facial Surgery or Breast Augmentations). The final step is the letters for the final process of your "medical" aspect of transitioning. Some transgender girls forgo this part because they feel they do not need SRS to feel complete.

Now I mentioned the entire list because as you can see, the Hormone Replacement Therapy covers steps 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5. My point is, it is a very involving process.

Your body literally goes through a metamorphic change. Your scent may change, your breast may grow larger, your skin may become smoother, your body features may become more soft and curvy vs hard and rigid and you will go through some emotional changes. Eliminating one hormone in your body that your body is very used to and then introducing an entirely new hormone into your body is a big deal!

There is so many changes that do go through your body both mentally and physically that I find it to be more wise to seek out the proper steps to be properly medicated versus trying to do it on your own.

There are many reasons why people self medicate:

1. They may be married and not "out" to their spouse or partner. Going through this medical steps will be very difficult to hide who you are. Ordering these medications from the internet and shipping it to a PO Box is a lot more easier for them.
2. They may not be able to afford all those necessary steps needed to be legitimately prescribed HRT. Let's face it, in the United States we do not have a very good health plan. You either work for a company that gives it to you at a highly discounted price or you don't have it at all. If you have no medical insurance, seeing a therapist for months will become very expensive.
3. They may have medical insurance but their provider may not cover HRT for transgender people as some insurance companies do not see it as a "necessary medical intervention." Many Endocrinologists will label the diagnoses in a manner where it will be covered but there are those insurance companies that will outright refuse your prescriptions.
4.Some may not want to go through the standards of care but just want to jump right in and start "pill popping."

I know many girls think "oh i heard it before but I never knew one person who got sick." Well, I knew of three who died and two who have had major strokes. And I have only transitioned for about two years now. So, yes. It does happen. It really isn't a scare tactic to make you see a therapist or doctor.

Please understand the medical complexities and workings of the drugs you are taking. For example, I knew a girl who was popping in 400mg of Spiro daily. Good lord. 400 mg is overkill and the only thing she was doing was destroying her kidneys because of all the sodium being sucked out of her body at rapid successions. She often complained she had to pee every twenty minutes. Hmm...maybe because she was eating spiro like it was Candy Canes??

I knew of another girl who was popping in 14 mg of Estrogen daily. Not only is 14mg of Estrogen daily very, very, very expensive (especially without a prescription) but it was also wasteful. Your body does not metabolize 14mg of estrogen like that. The only thing she was doing was destroying her liver and to this day, she does have abnormal liver function.

Know the right amounts you should be taken. This is probably the most important thing to know.

Here are some disadvantages to self medicating

1. You have no idea how effectively it is working in your system. When a doctor does lab tests, he or she does that to make sure you are getting the full effects of HRT. Randomly popping in pills and gauging if its working because your nipples are sore is not a good way to monitor your progress.
2. Its crazy expensive if you don't know what you are doing. For example, a three months prescription of all the HRT you will need typically is about 35 dollars. (depending on your insurance company). I knew some girls who were spending 250 a month (750 dollars every 3 months) on HRT.

The bulk of those expenses were on massive doses of Progesterone. If you take massive doses of progesterone without medical supervision you minus well be playing Russian roulette. Its about as deadly. As you can see, 35 dollars is a little bit more cheaper than 750 dollars.
3. You have no idea what you are ingesting. True, there are some reputable overseas pharmacy companies you can order from but there are also so many out there that will put fillers in your medication. You may think you are ingesting a pure pill but most of it could be corn starch. Unless you have a lab at home, you simply do not know. The medications you are taking when prescribe comes from FDA approved pharmacy companies that has strict codes of Legislation. India, for self medicators, those codes are not as strict.

When it comes to self medicating, I will never judge anyone. I will never put anyone down for self medicating or give them "what for." However, you may see me expressing my concern over your safety if you tell me the levels of HRT you are taking or what combinations that may be deadly.

A friend will always help a friend from doing something from inadvertently hurting themselves. It is not judging but it is only through love that I would try to help someone where if they are self medicating that they need to know how to do it right.

Please be safe. Please research your drugs and quantities.

Internet Security

So many of us in this day and age takes internet security for granted. We assume that a good virus protector and a firewall is all we need. Sadly, this is further from the truth.

When you are dealing with your gender identity and exploring the internet looking for answers, it is best to use caution when approaching various websites. I say this from experience because I had a person who had stolen my identity. He had stolen many of my pictures, my name and my background and proceeded to do things in my name.

The issue was solved but it took my a few months to make things right.

Here are some tips where you will never go through the nightmare I did.

1. Make sure you pick a reputable transgender website that has information rich in transgender support, fellowship and education.

2. Be wary of Websites that promote porn ads. Many sites that also looks like a good source of information may also be a good source of information from undesirables that came from the porn sites that was connected to the "innocent" site you found. I recently turned down a Moderator Position because I discovered in the interview process that the site was in a fellowship of over 175 pornography sites. From the outside the site looked safe and sensible but on the pornography side they displayed banners of the transgender website so that "you can hook up with a shemale." The interviewing moderator said they get paid to be connected to all these websites because they use it as an outreach program for admirers to teach them the proper way of being with a transgender woman. The argument did not convince me in the slightest.

3. Make sure the website is password protected! This is very important. Without a password protected website where registering is not necessary, this can become a haven for people who have other nefarious interests in mind. The most simple registration process can eliminate many people who has anything in mind but to "learn" about us. Which brings me to a similar point:

4. The more involving the registration process to become a member of the website, the better. For example, if you have to fill out a lengthy page and have to answer questions about yourself then don't grumble! This is actually a good thing. From my experience, these websites are the most successful.

Finally, when I was suffering from identity theft I was given a website. This website is a miracle come true and it really works. The site is a reverse image search engine. For example, if you upload a picture on this site it will search out and give a list of other sites who shares the same exact picture. This comes in handy when you want to periodically check to see if someone is using your pics. Since I have used this site, I have found my pics on flickr and a couple of other sites I do not wish to share where non transgender people had stolen my pics to fulfill a fantasy by showing others on the internet they are trans.

Also to note about tin eye: if your pics are behind password protected websites such as facebook, passworded transgender sites, etc., they will not show up. The program isn't perfect but it is certainly a step in the right direction.

The website is called Tin Eye and can be found here 

Be safe out there!